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What I Learned From a Woman's Magazine
by David Leonhardt

It's amazing what you can learn about marketing if you can just find the time to spend in a dentist's waiting room. I was reading a certain woman's magazine, which will remain nameless because of my allergy to lawsuits. The magazine obviously has figured out what sells well, given that it operates on a consistent formula.

For instance, one cover proclaims: "3 sizes slimmer by Memorial Day". Then, in one corner is a picture of "Cookies 'n Cream Cake", while in another corner is a picture of "'Lollipups' to brighten someone's day".

On another cover, the main headline is: "Lose that BELLY FAT!", while a secondary headline asks, "Can't stop binging?" Just to make sure that readers can answer, "Yes", there is a nice picture in the corner of a "Banana Split Cookie Cake" labeled "Yum!", and the promise of "Family-pleasing Pasta dinners" inside.

See a pattern? Let's try one more. The big headline reads: "Lose 28 lbs by Thanksgiving". How? Perhaps the big picture of a "Oreo Cookie Cheesecake" labeled "Yum!" will give us a hint. Or the promise of "Best-ever Potluck recipes".

OK. By now I am sure you see the pattern. That's right – poor grammar, punctuation and capitalization.

The other pattern is, of course, the secret success formula:

Offer you a way to lose weight
Tempt you to put the weight right back on
Offer you another way to lose weight
I pointed this out to my dentist, hoping he might decide to increase the quality of reading material in his waiting room.

The next week, I returned to find that my observation had obviously made an impression on him. There was all new reading material: Yummy Deserts Magazine, Best Cakes Review, and The Sugar Mountain Weekly.

I noticed the décor had changed, too. Gone were the bare beige walls. Up were larger-than-life posters of cookies, cakes and ice cream. And strategically placed around the room were candy dishes.

"What's with all the changes?" I asked.

"It's all your idea," he said. "You are a marketing genius. If I can get people to start working on their next cavities as they are walking out from my office, I can increase my business by up to 17%."

As he began to work in my mouth, I noticed a TV screen above. "Datz nuu," I said.

"Oh yes," he answered, flicking a button. "See? I have it set at the All-Sugar Channel."

The dentist finished excavating and reassembled what was left of my mouth.

"Here you go," He said proudly, handing me a lollipop.

"Didn't you used to hand out toothbrushes?" I asked.

"Shh. Don't remind anybody of that. Toothbrushes are bad for business," he explained.

I just could not believe what I had seen. I headed over to the body shop to see how my car was doing. A few repairs were needed, thanks to some bozo on a cell phone who thought that a red light means "stop when you hit another car".

"How's my car doing, Jack?" I asked.

"It's OK. You didn't get hit too hard," he replied.

"Good thing he was only talking on a cell phone and not watching a game show on TV when he hit me," I remarked. "Hey did you see what's going on at the dentist?"

"Yeah, what's he doing with all those cookie posters in his waiting room?" Jack asked.

I explained how the woman's magazine was building its customer base by tempting dieters with cakes labeled "yum!"

"It's the dentist's new business development program," I said.

I was about to pay for the repair work when Jack held out a cell phone and a mini-TV set. "If you take the cell phone, I give you a five percent discount. Take the TV set and you get a ten percent discount."

"What are you, doing?" I demanded.

"Hey," replied Jack. "It's my new business development program."

About The Author
David Leonhardt is author of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven
Read more humor articles:
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